BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

SCIENTIST'S CONFIRM LONG HELD SUSPICION THAT TORONTO IS THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE

Scientists at the CBC Institute for Galactic Research revealed today new findings that indicate that Toronto is in fact the center of the universe.Researchers unveiled a new model of the known universe based on the discovery that Conrad Black is not the plucky media mogul he appears to be but rather, a hostile and gaseous environment that revolves around the earth,altering the cosmic balance and placing Toronto as the true centre of the known universe.

The findings were so accurate that exiled APEC reporter Tony Milewchi,was relieved of his mail room gig and given a divinining rod to see if he could pinpoint the exact location of the known centre of the universe.Mr Milewchi's rod originally pointed to the infamous Brass Rail strip bar on Yonge Street,but after it was determined to be bent a little to the left,he found himself in a small basement apartment in Toronto's Cabbagetown district,rented by widower Gladys Marks-Spencer.The elderly Mrs. Marks-Spencer was astonished to find that her apartment was the centre of the universe,commenting, "I always felt the location was highly convenient,close to the streetcar and The Yarn Barn and The No Frills is just around the corner,but I never imagined that it was the centre of the universe.Maybe that explains all the dust".

In an unfortunate turn of events for Mrs Marks-Spencer,landlord Dmitri Ripoffolous has issued a rent increase from the current $362 per month to $78,694 per month after reciving an offer from the City of Toronto to use the site to display a small erection of Mayor Mel Lastman for tourists..Citing the Ontario Tories dubiously titled "Tenant Protection Act" which allow landlords who renovate to increase rents without limit.Mr. Ripoffolous is claiming that he performed renovations on the suite,which entitle him to raise the rent."Just as soon as I heard the news,I came down and changed a bent link on the door chain,and I almost hurt my thumb.Not to mention the cost of washers for the faucets.It all adds up", he remarked.

A footnote for our readers in the Toronto area,look for Mrs Gladys Marks-Spencer outside your local liquor outlet,selling the Outreach and mumbling quietly to herself.

IDIOTS FIGHT FOR RIGHTS

In a recent landmark case, the Supreme Court ruled that Tawny Meiorin was a victim of discrimination. Fired when she failed to complete a 2.4 km run in 11 minutes during her firefighters test, Tawney sued the province, stating that her dismissal was gender discrimination and won her god given Canadian right to have a job for which she could not meet the minimum requirements.

This week, applying this case as a precedent, the B.C. Supreme Court ruled that Mensa could not use their I.Q. test to eliminate potential members. Shocked, the B.C. president of the organisation for geniuses stated that although they had planned to institute a new test, timing potential members on their completion of the "Junior Jumble," they would institute more subjective measures such as actually having read Stephen Hawkings' " A Brief History of Time," understanding all the references in Dennis Miller's routine, being able to program a VCR.

Heralded as a breakthrough against intellectualism by the Alberta anti-thinktank Idiots International, CIO Hank Hankly declared although he supported the decision 100%,he still felt the measures were discriminatory and would be bringing the case to court."Let us say that we are both pleased and angered by this decision,and we can neither confirm nor deny our our policy on this,except to say that it is steadfast.That is our new position,just as it always has been and for anyone who disputes this,its all in our "Big Read Book".

IMMIGRATION DEPT CLARIFIES REFUGEE POLICY FOR OVERWORKED STAFF

With the arrival of a fourth illegal Chinese migrant ship off the West coast of British Columbia, Federal Immigration Minister Eleanor Caplan commended the provincial branch of immigration for their speed in processing the over 444 refugee applications. Adding a note to staff at the end of her speech, she reminded them that the definition of a refugee includes religious, political, or gender persecution in their home country. Acknowledging the hard work by the immigration assessors, she noted that her office will continue to reject applications which do not fall into the above definition. Holding up a stack of rejected claims, she noted that "not having a Starbucks in the Fujian province," "being forced to breathe in second-hand smoke," and "I want to try some of that killer B.C. weed" were not valid reasons to award refugee status.

Caplan also said she had no knowledge of a report that claimed BC's NDP government was in negotiations with refugee smugglers,trying to sell them on their new high speed refugee claimant smuggling vessel.It is rumoured the ship will have it's own casino and bingo hall,as well as a new custom designed hold that will allow perspective claimants to be more tightly loaded.The design concept is based on the Ronco Patty Stacker,and your hands need never touch the refugee!