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VIDEO GAMES BLAMED FOR NASTY ANTI-PHILBIN INCIDENT

Legislators are callling for increased labelling by video game manufacturers after a rash of video game related violence swept the world this summer. Lt. Dave Grossman has linked the shootings at Columbine to the game "Doom" stating that the reflexive actions required to play the game are reminescent of the training received by American Marines. In Japan a 28 year old man stabbed and killed the pilot of an All Nippon 747 and took control of the plane, stating he wanted to fly under the Rainbow Bridge in Tokyo, a manuevre he practised on his flight simulator. And this week in America, a drunken fan jumped Barney the Dinosaur, forcing the mascot to leap about the baseball diamonds singing "I hate Regis Philbin," to the tune of the Dinosaur's trademark "I Love You" song. Although the authorities in Boston could not pinpoint precisely which video game the fan was trying to emulate, they did stop laughing long enough to suggest that it was related somehow to the Japanese event.

THE IMPORTANCE OF READING THE FINE PRINT

Scientific testing by a team at Hebrew University contradicts previous studies purporting that the Shroud of Turin was a medieval fake. Showing that the plants and pollen found in the Shroud are found only in Jerusalem at certain times of the year, they have dated it back to the 8th Century, but state that it could be older than that. The previous team of researchers have scoffed at this new analysis, pointing out that the copyright at the bottom of the sheet, from 1356, should have been the tip-off

WILL THE REAL JESUS PLEASE STAND UP?

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The National Catholic Reporter has announced their on-line art competition, seeking pictures of a new, contemporary Jesus. Arguing that the Church needs to update the image of the Messiah to reach today's young Christians, the church has organised a web site to allow Catholics to vote on their favourite. Rejected so far are the "gangsta rap Jesus," a rendition portraying Jesus as an African-American resplendent in gold chains and FUBU sweat-shirt; "Elvis Christ," in which Christ has slicked back black hair and a gyrating pelvis; and "hippie Jesus," an image showing the Son of God with long brown hair, a beard, and white robes.

IS THIS THE SEVENTH SIGN?

Ty Inc. declared thiat the Beanie Baby line of toys will be discontinued on December 31, 1999, leading to great speculation about their motives. They drove home this point by issuing a Black Bear Beanie Baby named "The End." Although this toy has been interpreted by fundamental Christians as another sign of the Apocalypse, Ty Inc officials stated last week that the name of the bear was purely coincidental. They followed this statement with a press conference announcing the issuance of their final Beanie Baby, a plush devil they called "The False Messiah."

GET YER 15 MINUTES

Bryan Smith, the man who hit Stephen King with his mini-van, said he was distracted during the accident and wants to apologise face to face with the author. In an unrelated story, Mr. Smith has just signed a deal with Ballyntine books to write "How to Run Over Stephen King."